Originally posted on my Win, Lose, or Blog blog when I was a Win, Lose, or Blog season seven contestant.
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I reached a point where that is sort of how I felt. The bigger I got the less I wanted to go out. I don't mean go out partying. I don't mean go out on a date with my husband. I don't mean go out shopping. I don't mean go out to my children's functions. I mean go out of my house. I hated going places and being the fattest one in the room. I didn't want to go to parties because I didn't want to be the fattest friend at the party. I didn't want to go to soccer games/swim meets/school meetings because I didn't want to be the fat mom. In general I don't like the mall but I especially hated it at my largest because I always felt like the fat chick in the skinny people stores. (That one isn't too far off base depending on the store. I mean you could be an average size woman and in some of those stores you would be hard pressed to find something that fit.) It was so bad at one point that I hated going in my front yard to do anything because I didn't want people driving by to see "the fat lady's" ass as I was weeding the flower beds. (I have a lot of cleaning out to do in my flower beds come spring.)
As I have been losing the weight I have started feeling less self-conscious but the thoughts are still there at times. Those negative thoughts are not conducive to achieving my goals. They are not good for my mental health or my physical health. I know that. In the past when I have had small weight loss victories it has been at times when I was comfortable with how I looked and what size I was.
I am so lucky to have such a great spouse that doesn't comment on my extra weight. I have been there before and it isn't helpful. Sure you may say "for better or worse" but some people (i.e. my ex-husband) don't always include "for fatter or thinner" in with that. I will say that the bigger I got the sorrier I felt for my husband. I didn't want to see me naked. . . so sad that he had to. THANKFULLY he never seemed to mind. His affection never changed and the way he looked at me never changed. He never made me feel as though I was less attractive to him. He has always been supportive of any of my efforts. He is happy with altering menus to help with my weight loss goals and he doesn't mind altering his hunting route so I can go walk along with him to get in some exercise while spending time together. [THANKS PE!!]
From now on this is my mantra. I am going to work on building myself up and looking at the positive no matter my size.